By Victoria Simon

I am a writer.
Not really.
I just said that because I read somewhere that if you want to be a writer the first step is to proclaim it.
I am a writer.
Oh, but I’m not.
I can’t write a thing.
Every time I sit down to write, nothing happens.
I stare at the blank paper and…nothing.
A title, I think.
If I just write the title then everything else will flow from that, right?
How can I write a title when I don’t know what I’m writing about?
A by-line. That’s what I’ll create.
The paper won’t be blank if I write a by-line. I’ll just leave extra space at the top for a title and I can come back to that.
By Victoria Simon
There! I did it. I wrote something.
I am a writer.
Not really.
All I wrote is my name. That doesn’t make me a writer.
I’m still just an ordinary woman.
“Hey, lady.”
That’s me.
I’m not a writer.
I’m as ordinary as they come.
Was I a writer when I woke up this morning?
Tired? Yes.
Annoyed at the cat? Yes.
A writer? No.
Time to go to work and, guess what?
I don’t get paid to write.
That’s because I’m not a writer.
Blah blah blah blah.
Blah.
See? No writer would write that, would they? Blah.
So now I sit here with my pen in hand and notebook balanced on my knee…
Ha! Fooled you, didn’t I?
I don’t have a pen. I’m typing on a MacBook Pro.
On a table.
In a pub.
Does that make me a writer?
It was the pub that got you, didn’t it?
Ooooohhhhhhhh, if she’s writing in a pub then she really is a writer, isn’t she? Wow. Impressive.
Now that you know I’m a writer, you probably wonder what I am writing about.
Bl—Nope, done that. Need to do something different.
I will write about grapes of wrath.
I will write about leaves of grass.
I will write about pennies from heaven.
I will write about the pain of childbirth.
I will write about a red balloon.
I will write about what I write about because
I AM A WRITER.
There.
Believe me now?
You should.
If you look back at the top it says, “by Victoria Simon”
See?
That means I am a writer.
Unless my name is really Anonymous.
Then I am a prolific writer.
Still believe me?
Good.
I believe in you, too.
Look at the top again.
Put the title here, it says.
I think I already did.
Now it’s your turn.