Hoarding is a topic made popular with TV shows like Hoarders, Hoarding: Buried Alive and, on the opposite end of the spectrum, cleaning and organizing shows like Clean House and Tidying Up with Marie Kondo.

There are many kinds of hoarding and a variety of explanations for the tendency. Some people are hoarders of information. They keep books, magazines, files of articles torn out of media, notes, and other forms of paper documentation of their interests. Teachers and journalists are common offenders.  There are hoarders of ribbon, sequins, buttons, paints, pressed flowers and other items that are art and craft supplies to those with a creative, discerning eye.

There are some unusual varieties of hoarders who cling to art (rich hoarders), ticket stubs and photos (memorabilia hoarders), tools (macho hoarders), new-in-box numbered collectibles (overly-optimistic-investment hoarders), twisty ties and milk caps (what-if or Depression Era hoarders) and used diapers and condoms (disgusting hoarders).

What about food hoarders? Do you have a relative whose cupboards, drawers, freezers and refrigerators are filled with outdated culinary delights? These are the Starvation Hoarders also known as It’s-Still-Good-Expiration-Dates-Are-Suggestions Hoarders. Note: these folks are close cousins of the What-if or Depression Era hoarders.

Perhaps you have experienced holidays at the home of a relative who is a food hoarder. In our family, it is Aunt Gladys. Dinner begins with tossed salad and guests reflexively checking the date of the salad dressings because They Know. Thousand Island-2012, French-2015, Italian-2007 (how is that even possible?), Ranch-2018. After eyeing the French thoughtfully, I select Ranch. I notice cousin Sara quietly toss the Italian into the trash and Martha throw a paper towel on top giving it a dignified burial and ensuring Gladys the Food Hoarder will not rescue the half bottle that smells “just fine.”

Canned fruits and veggies, purchased during the local grocery store’s annual canned goods sale and stored in the cellar, are commonly served at holiday dinners. Unless the can is dented they tend to be pretty safe bets. The breads and rolls are fresh – or at worst a bit freezer-burned but safe, nonetheless.

Then there is meat. The great debate of the meal. Do we eat the main dish? Is the meat fresh? What is it??? Where did it come from? When was it purchased or (gulp) “harvested”? How long was it frozen? The risks! At best, it will be freezer-burned. At worst, a carrier of extreme bacteria that blossomed between the purchase of the discounted near-expiration cut to awaiting the serving at this grand buffet. No, we will skip the meat this time. Green Jello fluff is safe.

After dinner come drinks and laughs and family stories. None of these are hoarded but instead shared abundantly like water flowing over Niagara. It’s all fun and delightful until Sara feels a bit hungry since she skipped the main dish. The host offers to bring out all of the leftovers from dinner but Sara claims ‘zerts and apps are way more fun. Cheese and crackers, she insists. This goes well with wine, beer, and tea – the drinks favored at this table.

Sara pulls out several varieties of cheese from the ‘fridge and set them on a cutting board. The first one has a shimmer of soft green gracing one side. She sighs, cuts off the fuzz, and slices it up. The next chunk is fully coated in a mottled gray-green blanket. Nope. Beyond saving. She waits until her host squeezes her eyes closed in laughter and pitches the whole curd. The next cheese looked fine. She hesitates. She slices a long even slice. Still looks fine. She panics and checks the date on the package. Holy s*** this is fresh. How does that happen? Well, she has to purchase fresh food at some point, right?

She opens the cupboards and pulled out the Ritz. The top flap boasts 2011. The Triscuits are a youthful 2017 and the Wheat Thins a mature 2015. She leaves the Ritz on the counter and dumps the Wheat Thins and Triscuits on the platter next to the cheese.

How does this happen? We come for Thanksgiving, Christmas, Easter, and 4^th of July. At each holiday we carefully trim away years-old food from the surplus yet at the next holiday we discover more. How?

If a zombie apocalypse or another depression occurs, I know where I will go.  There is one home that will have plenty of food. While the world is rationing in fear, I will be dining at Aunt Gladys house at a feast even St. Gluttony would envy.